Am I A Woman Possessed?

I can’t be the only woman who feels possessed. I mean really, some days I wake up and there is a blue cloud hanging over me. Who invited the sad clown? Other times I wake up and there is a swelling up in my heart of love and peace and happiness. There is no rhyme or reason. It is controlled by something else. I am at the mercy of the mood fairies and must make do with the disposition I am given for the day. 

break in the storm

It is hard for my husband. He would love it if every day I woke up as a sunshiny soul. It is his dream and wish for me to find daily peace and happiness. But unfortunately it is kind of rare. And that makes it harder for him. These bright glimpses of what could be glint like tiny snowflakes and then melt again the next morning. I want them to last longer for him. It makes his shoulders relax. His smile comes more easily. We can embrace freely on those days.

It is hard for me. I want to feel different too. I don’t want to have those days that everything feels hard. Who would wish a leaden heart on someone? I don’t want to push through the greyness and paste on my smile. The days that I feel light are so much easier. I am unstoppable. I am connected. I am powerful. I am woman, hear me roar! Where is the switch I could turn on to make those days more common?

It is especially hard because of our current culture’s expectations. We are so happiness driven. “Be like me, I have learned how to have it all.” “Ten steps to finding your inner bliss.” We are all in search of it and sell each other the idea that we will miraculously find the secret to eternal happiness if we just...try...harder. 

But what about sitting with your real feelings? What about being true to what is really going on? My awareness says ‘you feel fuzzy and heavy today.’ My mind says ‘shake it off and buck up.’ Not only do I want to feel different now I also have an internal battle of consciousness about whether I can even be who I really am. Am I allowed to feel what I really feel?

Women, is it our hormones? Is it our lot in life? I don’t know. It seems that wishing for more is probably futile. It is what it is. Yet what I do know is that I can make the most of those days that are easy. I can write and dance and embrace with such fervor that I will be able to remember those feelings on the days that are hard. The good with the bad. The happy with the sad. It might just be this contrast that makes it sweeter all the more.