There Are Things I Cannot Share


There are times in our lives when we feel alone even when we are surrounded by people who love us. It is not because we do not have people who know us. It is not because we are unable to commune with people. It is because there are times when our thoughts and feelings are not yet our own.

There are things we cannot share because they are not fully formed in us. They are just seeds in our hearts. They are just beginning to send their roots into us; taking hold and penetrating deep into our soil. We feel this growth. We know it is changing us and yet we cannot express it to someone else. 

It is only after the thoughts have formed fully that we can see it well enough to describe it. We need to wait until it has stretched to fill the spaces, until its roots have entwined with other roots, and until its leaves and shoots have pressed up against their neighbours. Then we can describe it to another.

It is lonely there when I have these young thoughts. I feel infected and invaded as though a parasite is within me feeding on my resources and weakening me. Only once this idea has shifted from parasitic to symbiotic do I feel whole again. New ideas disturb our equilibrium and make us unwell. It takes time for us to build up our immunity and integrate them into our being. Time needs to pass before I can see how these new ideas benefit me; what parts of me they build up, what parts of me they replace, and what parts of me they strengthen. 

Why is it though that I cannot share the seed? It would be easier if I could have a partner to share in the incubation. Someone to help me give it light. It would be easier if we both watered it and gave it room. But a seed is too delicate to be cut in two. It cannot be shared.

We are all walking ecosystems of ideas and thoughts. We curate our landscape by integrating some, weeding some out, and nurturing some. But in the birth of something new we are the lone gardener who tends to the seed bed and creates the conditions for either flourishing or withering.